i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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