Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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