We're facebook friends in real life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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