So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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