never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
