The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
