Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
