I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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