Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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