I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
