Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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