I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
