Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
