Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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