rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
