If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
