I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
