so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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