all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
