You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
