**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
