There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
