I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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