i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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