So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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