i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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