hotel room ftw
Your face is a jimmy john
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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