You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
