I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
