Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
