the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need moral support for this bender
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
