Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I want her autograph on my taint
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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