why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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