Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
