My boss' voice literally gives me gas
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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