Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Floor bacon is actually really good
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
