lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
