I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize