Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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