a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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