He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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