next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
