...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
