Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How naked do you want me to be?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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