haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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