every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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