11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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