And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
