i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
