And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
