I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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