I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
