I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just invented taco cereal.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
