Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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