Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
